Sunday, June 30, 2013

Loss, Mourning & Transformation

Sitting on the sofa with my partner Jared, cuddled up to a movie, laughing together. Le Bang Bang the friendly Balinese cat lying curled up beside me, safe beneath the peaks of our mountaintop A-frame cabin.

It's a 'moment' I experienced so often, one of those times that you don't ever want to end and you can't ever see letting go of. One of the greatest times of my life so far.  The simple things really are the best, and all we really need, aren't they? Love. Safety. Comfort. Joy.

On the morning of May 22, 2013  an electrical fire ripped through our beautiful A-frame in under ten minutes. Jared and I narrowly escaped but Le Bang Bang did not. If the timing had veered by a matter of seconds, we could have ended up in front of the gas stove that exploded spewing a vast amount of burning gas into the house, turning it into a huge oven. We could have been trapped downstairs, unable to rescue the chihuahua we'd been looking after, who was crying at the top. Or, we were told by the fire crew, we could have merely slept through it all, the oxygen silently sucked out of the bedroom where we slept below.

That cherished Moment is now forever lost to memory. Just as all we experience in the Physical dimension will be lost some day to our own physical departure from this earth plane.

It's a strange time.  You can't look back because it's gone, or else it's too painful to recall at present. And you can't see ahead because all you have is what has gone before. It leaves me in a strange place that reminds me just how deeply a Scorpio Rising life must go - from the heights to the depths, from the depths to the heights.

They say that during difficult times, you know who your friends are. With Pluto in my 11th House of friendship (Jared shares this placement) there were unexpected surprise and yes, disappointments. My Solar Return this year has a packed 11th house (friends, connections, technology, groups), you may remember I posted it on Facebook in March. As it turns out, it was right on - my social network was a way for me to reach everyone, and in turn random people have helped out - even a woman who found my website only a week before the fire! And a girl who wrote me a letter saying she felt so guilty about being irritated  my site wasn't updated and who felt moved to send a little something to help.  More women (Venus in the 11th) came to my rescue than anyone else. I've been surprised (very Cycle 11) with the help received and also surprised with the help that didn't come.

I thanked my Personal Heroes on the Weekly Scope page last week before continuing the regular forecasts, because in today's world, no one needs to help. When we hear of a tragedy, we often look the other way. Why? Because we have enough to deal with in our own lives, perhaps. We don't know what to say so we remain silent? Some only want to look at the happy stuff in life. They forget that life contains light and darkness and that you can't have one without the other. The truth is, a lot is going on for everybody - I have been talking about it in my blog and scopes for quite some time now.

I guess it's my turn for a Major Transformation.

I find myself seeing a reason, a meaning behind this event. With a Sagittarius Moon it has always helped me on my Journey to see behind the physical condition to the heart or soul within the outer appearance. Standing outside a black shell of what was once a safe home, the torn and burned pages of my Astrology Library scattered across the street was indescribable. You're never truly prepared for trauma. Shock electrifies the system and shuts down the mind. Jared and I both described the event like a giant hand of fire that came reaching up from the earth and pulled everything down back into its fiery pits. Jared was stuck inside longer, trying to find Le Bang Bang. He witnessed the tank of his small snake Mata Hari, turn black as the stove spewed liquid flames up the inside of the high, high A-frame ceilings, then spread across the room. He grabbed onto the fur of our beloved cat, but the cathedral windows blew out, and our cat was gone, scared and shaking with the noises inside.

Outside, without contact lenses or a cell phone, I stood screaming for Jared to get out as the kitchen exploded outwards. And he did. Barely. I ran barefoot down the street, knocking at four houses before someone answered and dialed 911. And through this all, I felt it could be saved. But then we stood and watched as the fire consumed everything.

My partner Jared has been a hairstylist for over 20 years. As a 9th House Cancer Sun he shares my journey as a Seeker (my Moon is in Sag). So he's heard a lot over the years. He helped turn things around for me recently when he came home to tell me a woman who was sitting in his chair was describing her experiences of home fires and how three distinct things stick out: It happens much faster than you think, in a matter of minutes. That smoke inhalation kills most people who run back in, or were asleep in another room whose oxygen is sucked out silently, taking people in their sleep.

And that an experience like this changes you. 
But not in a bad way. 
Like the character lines on a person's face, written by age and experience, 
these times add a new layer to your personality. 
You lived through it. 
You survived. 
And you carry that with you always.

I do know we create our own realities on some level. Our astrology charts are a testament to that. Whether here or beforehand in another dimension, we do seem to lay out a plan before us.  
 The Law of Attraction does has a lot of bearing in our lives - what we put out we get back. But when disaster strikes, what then? Are we doing something wrong when something so intensely difficult happens? Hardly. To think so would be to listen to the voice of ego which thrives on utter control and power. And, ironically, on self-punishment. Our Astrology Charts have shown me over the years, a glimpse of a greater plan, a Grand Design. That we have individual paths, lessons and experiences to experience. Some we can map out, others are thrust upon us in surprising ways under the influence of the outer planets (Uranus, Neptune, Pluto). I'm only a mere translator of celestial activity and its reflection and relation to what happens 'down here' on Planet Earth. Perhaps events in another part of the cosmos find their ripples and reflections played out in the physical world, The "earthy" part of our multi-verse. Who knows.

The day it happened, Pluto (total transformation) and Uranus (sudden surprises) were exactly square in the sky. Our local fire crew were actually in a nearby town putting out a fire that was taking place at exactly the same time as ours. In the days that followed, a number of synchronicities made themselves known.

Revisiting what was left of the house, the first burned page I picked up talked about "Mars in the 4th house". Mars of course represents, amongst many other things, fire. The 4th house = Home. Jared was born with Mars conjunct his north node of the 4th House. My Progressed Mars was exactly conjunct my 4th House natal Sun. Pluto was exactly squaring the ruler of Jared's 4th House.
I am a few months away from my Progressed New Moon, and thus I am wrapping up a huge evolutionary cycle as the Progressed Moon wanes - a time of endings, loss, mourning, completion. And Jared just passed his Progressed Full Moon phase, a time of revelation and liberation - and his Progressed Moon has just entered his 4th House of Home/Family/Mom (he also ended up taking care of his mother whom you may remember had a stroke back in February and who is learning to walk and use her left side again.), and we both ended up moving in to his family's home after the fire.

Does that mean I should have been able (or could have been able) to predict this major event?
Not at all. We'd learn nothing if some events were beyond our grasp. There are countless ways an energy can manifest. It just so happens I'd been putting a lot of finishing touches to the home in the days just before the fire. I was re-potting plants. Getting the outside deck ready so I could once again sit outside under the trees while writing to you. I'd even scattered a bunch of new wildflower seeds out front, between the ones from the prior year that had just begun to poke their heads up through the soil.

And in the rafters of the exterior of the tallest point of the A-frame, were two bird's nests, that housed two families. Birds that had come the Springtime before to make once again make a home within the eaves of our own. 

What I can say for sure is that most wake-up calls come in traumatic moments that jar our systems and like any electrical machine, we suffer an 'outage' followed by a 'surge' of energy, much like the cosmic eclipses you've been following along with.   In those moments, we let in 'Light' - cosmic knowledge, that obliterates the darkness (unconsciousness) and en-"light" -ns us to a new level of awareness and existence. Trauma softens us, sensitizes us and if we let it, it opens our eyes to a new way of living and being.

On the physical level the loss was devastating. In a Scorpio Rising life marked inevitably with some intense moments and chapter shifts, this one truly marks a lowest point for me. Not because of our stuff (we both have Neptune in our 2nd Houses so we've never been particularly materialistic, although the extensive list of what was gone is heartbreaking - including photos from childhood, family heirlooms, our collection of books and the past 12 years of my life and astrology work during my time in the United States) but because of our pets and family and sense of safety, security and comfort.

And I lost that Moment, which is one of the happiest of my life.

On a spiritual level, we both know that Light is coming in through the cracks left behind by the suddenness and depth of our experience. Pluto-Uranus took us by surprise (as it does) but even a planetary energy cannot and will not take away our resolve, hope and love.

When life comes to take things away, 
what is left is cherished even more, 
and Love grows deeper in the gaps left by those people or things 
that leave us like the turning of a revolving door.
When Change comes knocking know two things above all else: You can make it.  
And you're not alone.

 Still Breathing...

Your Astrologer,

 P.S If you're interested in your personal Progressed Lunar Cycles, planetary transits and potentials or need help getting through a difficult period, I'm your guy. And I'm happy to help. Readings can be scheduled at the site above and I'm excited to share with you a whole host of new astrology reports soon.


lightgirl54 said...

this, more than anything anyone has written, made sense of astrological cycles but brought it in on the emotions..and that is how I learn best. I appreciate your sharing so deeply and applaud your way of being human through struggle and grief.

Anonymous said...

Blessings abundant to you and Jared. Your blog was wonderful, even through the tears. Life has it's way with us and we rise to the occasion. Thanks for being the wonderful, generous, loving person you are.

j wendy

Anonymous said...

Wow!! Thankyou for sharing your experience with us all here that come to read your blog! Its never ever easy hearing about, or experiencing, loss, on any particular level of human existence..but once the experience is shared with other fellow human lightens the load & we then realize we are never truly alone in our journeys & experiences along the way..on this beautiful planet earth we all call our home. So sory to hear about your house, but your thoughts & feelings expressed here in this post has awaken me to so much, that it would take me far to long to explain my gratitude in just this comment box! xo!

Blessings & many thanks for this post!

Trina. (from Australia :-)